In a society where genetics play a significant role in forming a family, LGBTQ+ parents often find themselves confronted with a question that feels invasive and disrespectful: “Whose egg did you use to conceive your child?” This question is particularly challenging for LGBTQ+ parents who have created their families through assisted reproductive technologies, surrogacy, or adoption. Despite anticipating this question, many parents still struggle with how to handle it when it arises.
For one parent, the question arose at a dinner party, and they found themselves unsure of how to respond. They wondered whether answering or refusing to answer would make the situation worse, ultimately feeling like they had given away something they shouldn’t have. The question of whose egg was used to conceive their child feels like a crucial piece of information that others their family and their child.
For LGBTQ+ parents, genetics have not played a leading role in forming their families. The New Yorker reported that genealogical research is the second most popular hobby in the country, with 26 million people in the US taking ancestry tests since 2012. Americans are obsessed with genetics, and this makes it difficult for some to contextualize a family when genetics have not played a leading role in its formation.
The author of the piece emphasizes that their son is so deeply both of theirs that they struggle to remember a third party played any role in his creation. Their son exists because they made him together, through shots, surgeries, hand-holding, and long battles with their insurance company. They are both the reason he exists, and he truly could not be here if not for the role each of them played. Their genetics are not a secret, but they shouldn’t have to be prepared at any moment to discuss their private matters.
The real power in forming a family lies in the joy on their child’s face when one of the parents walks into the room. It lies in the way they have come to know the meaning of their child’s different cries and hand gestures. It lies in the hours one parent spent rocking their child to sleep when they refused to nap anywhere but on her chest. It lies in their child’s hysterical laughter when the other parent repeatedly blows their mind with peek-a-boo.
The question of whose egg was used to conceive a child might be answered by a DNA test, but it doesn’t fully capture the family story. For LGBTQ+ parents, their families are created with love, regardless of genetics.